Do you know what it's like?

Do you know what it's like to feel that your child has been given and coerced into believing the wrong things about you?

Do you know what it's like to see the results of Parental Alienation manifesting themselves in your child's attitude towards you?

Do you know what it's like to all of a sudden, come to the realization through experience, others experiencing, and professional counseling that you are even a victim of Parental Alienation? That it's actually Domestic Abuse?

I didn't even know those words existed a few months ago. I have what I thought was a unique and crazy backstory that has led up to this nightmare. I thought I was alone. I thought I was crazy.

Imagine losing yourself in these realizations, the self-loathing for allowing these things to happen, the hurt from it coming from a person that you loved.

I hated myself for the responses I was giving at the time every lie and hidden behavior was dropped in my lap. I have been hurt, angry, and disappointed so many times and it's even worse because I never thought the woman I loved could even be capable of things like this. It's taking a very long time of soul searching and therapy to finally get myself to believe that yes, it was possible, has been possible and is. We all make mistakes. I admit them. If I could take them back I would.

But the uglier side of this is that even my responses I'm told are considered normal and I shouldn't hate myself for having them, not after everything I've been through. I learned about yet another word that I never knew existed- Reactive Abuse.

And you know what? Regardless, I don't want my son to be in the middle of this. I never have. There were times that me and Diane were supposed to be talking about these things between ourselves but due to us having to communicate via voice over Skype or Messenger didn't see anything except her face or just a unattached voice.  During most of those times when she chose to tell me these things, I didn't know that she had my son sitting there, and her knowing what my response is to some of these big revelations would be. I can't help to feel that she did that on purpose. I know I wouldn't, no child should be subject to these types of conversations.

Imagine then later having that held against you and being told you are just supposed to say “Oh that's nice, I guess we have to do things differently now, and you really don't need to know the reasons why.”, or “I don't know what to say or I don't want to talk about this.” 

Bullshit.

I have had so much of my relationship with my son taken away from me during our challenges, and I want it back. Before learning about all of this stuff, and all of the related behaviors, conditions and terms, I was a person who just thought these things didn't happen. They couldn't to good people. I thought that the love that we shared protected us from that ugly part of the world. I was wrong.

Do you know what it's like? I hope you don't, I would not wish this on anyone. All I know is I am so broken right now, I feel so alone, and that I have everything stacked against me. This whole situation and the things leading up to it at this point have left me with so much self-doubt, so much low self-esteem, and fears that I won't be strong enough, fears that no matter what I do it's not going to matter anymore. Seeing the tear run down my son's cheek the last time I was able to see him on video and him telling me that he was afraid of losing me is the only thing keeping me going right now. I can't get the love in his eyes out of my mind and I don't want to. It's all I have left after all of the things Diane has taken away from me. And even that Is trying to be taken away.

I have given everything to my family, even when it's all I had. Do you know what it feels like to have nothing, and the only thing left that you can do with the small hope that you might somehow be able to fix things is by asking others for help? I used to be proud, I can't be anymore. I don't even have that. I spend so much time explaining things, giving details, anything and everything because that's all I have left to be able to do, and I don't even have time to smile anymore before I go to sleep after telling my son I love him.

Do you know what it's like? I hope not. No one should know this.

Talon, dad loves you...